Check out my new movie. Why brown guys have no friends. “Samir’s 30 Days”

Check out my new short film, “Samir’s 30 Days”

I am so sorry to all three of my loyal fans that have been pestering me to update my blog. There were several reasons for the delay, one being that the internet in India sucked and two being that I sincerely had no time. I finally got a full eight hours of sleep after a very long time and am now ready to share my experience of India. I have decided to make two posts on India (cause it’s such a big damn country) so this one will be about Mumbai-Chiplun-Goa and the next one will be on Delhi-Agra-Jaipur.

I get off the airport in Mumbai and I feel this gust of wind that smelled like sweat and urine. Being in Karachi for the last couple weeks I was used to the sweat in the air, I guess this time the urine was an added bonus. There was a man who was supposed to pick me up so I was looking for my name in the midst of all these white boards. Unfortunately I didn’t find my name so I started walking around like a hopeless idiot. This guy approaches me and is like:

“Vhere you go”
“Who are you”
“I am airport official, you give me your bag we will go together”
“No thank you, why don’t you go away”
“Sir, I am airport official, my id number is 23768 I am official, why you not believe me”
“Ok how bout you find me a phone”
“No problem sir, I don’t ask for money, this is my job, come with me”
“Ok thank you for finding me a phone”
“So sir, where you from, England”
“No I’m from Canada”
“Sir do you have any Canada change you want to give to me”
“I thought you said, you would not ask for money”
“Sir not for money, for hobby, I collect foreign change”
“hahahaah yeah right, (I pat him on the back) Jeethai Ro” (Live Long) and walk away
Whispers “Banchot” (Go F your sister)
“WHAT”
“Nothing sir, safe journey”

That was my first interaction with an Indian, it felt like Pakistan so I felt at home. I finally got hold of my driver and he turned out to be the most important person to me on this trip.

Hussain was his name, and traveling was his game. It was as if he was sent by God to take care of me. If it weren’t for this guy my whole trip in India would be unorganized and I may not have come back. I had no idea who this guy was but he ended up organizing my whole trip for me which involved my itinerary, accommodations and transportation. I seriously had nothing planned when I got to India so it’s good I crossed paths with this man.

We stayed at the YMCA Mumbai for the first couple days and it was lots of fun. The people from Mumbai are really chilled and surprisingly very nice and honest. No one tries to cheat you (like that airport official). My first day there I chilled with the cell phone guy and he ended up offering me a cold drink and later invited me out for lunch. We chilled for a couple hours and during that time so many people joined our conversation. They all thought I was Kashmiri or Arab, and they ended up calling me a Cocktail because they thought I was a mix of some sort. I assured them I was from Luknow, India and they definitely knew I was lying hahaha. We hired a Taxi for a couple days and the driver was unbelievable. He was great, he always had a smile of his face and was willing to go anywhere for us. Again the people of Mumbai are awesome.

We did lots and saw lots but the one thing that Ill remember is how I asked every other random where I could get beef. Hahaha. For those of you who do not know, the Cow is a sacred animal in the Hindu religion and therefore beef is hard to find in India. But since I was a born meat eater I needed my beef fix so I asked around and you would be surprised how people reacted. Most people would get so scared and tell me to keep it down, a couple guys gave me a shifty look and told me to come by later, and others would get offended. Below are pics of Mumbai.

I told Hussain that I really wanted to get the local feel while on my trip. I guess he literally made my request come true and invited Mehvash, Sharon and I to stay at his house in a village named Chiplun. Chiplun is so random that not even Indians from the region don’t know where it is. We took a train there and Mehvash and Sharon were cursing me under their breath because it was probably the most random thing we had ever done. First of all I don’t even know this Hussain guy and second of all what the hell is Chiplun. We thought that when we woke up the next morning our kidneys would be missing. But (alhumduallah) nothing happened. His family was really hospitable and other than taming the squatter toilet everything went smooth. Only problem was that after 2 hours in the Village we had nothing to do, so the day went really slow. Beautiful place, check out the pics of Chiplun below.

We took the train further south to Goa. Most of you probably know about Goa but if you don’t it’s a coastal state that is just beautiful. It was a Portugese colony for a long time and recently became a part of greater India. We sat on the beach for most of the time and the breeze and sunset was unbelievable. Unfortunately I was surrounded by a bunch of beach boys (Indian style) that were probably the creepiest people I have ever met. These guys were like hounds, they would sense a flirty tourist from a mile away. They would come meet the flirty girl and start talking to them, and eventually sit on their bench. As the conversation progressed they would pat the girl on the back as a “friendly” gesture. It was disgusting. And the weirdest thing was, these Europeans would love it. They would flirt right back and the beach boy would feel her up even more. And the dirty part was, word would get out fast and pretty soon every beach boy in the area would have their turn. It was so weird. But I would be lying if I said that the beach boys were the weirdest people on the beach. The Eurpoean foreigners were so bizarre. We saw two nudist that looked like whales every day on the beach. It was scary enough that they were nude but to top it off these ladies had piercings all over (and I mean all over). They also had tattoos on their lower back and for some reason Mehvash could not stop looking at them. Anyways Goa was still unbelievable, had a great relaxing time there and I would recommend anyone to go there.

Next Post: Golden Triangle (Delhi-Jaipur-Agra)

When you are surrounded with people who are truly in love with their city its hard not to fall in love with it yourself.  I just got back from
Lahore and had the most unbelievable time there.  The people of
Lahore (Lahoris) were born with a sense of pride for their land.  They are fun, blunt, and all hopeless romantics hahah (Ali, oh Ali).  I stayed with Omar Shafi’s family and they were unbelievable.  If it were not for them, my stay in
Lahore would not have been worth mentioning.  I want to personally thank all of them again for everything they did for me. 

So I get off the airport and Shafi and his cousin pick me up and take me straight to the Wagha Border.  The Wagha Border is an army station that is right on the Indian/Pakistan border.  They have made it into a tourist attraction where army personnel from both sides compete with each other by stomping on the ground and showing off their machismo.  While it’s happening you can’t help but have a sense of pride for being Pakistani.  The Indian army is comprised of a bunch of scrawny men while the Pakistani army is filled with huge monsters.   The Indians still put on a good show so I commend them for that.  Shafi and I did not sit in the VIP section thanks to Ahmed (Shafis cousin) so we waited till the end to go to the gate of the border.  Even then a soldier told us to go away, but right when he turned around Shafi and I ran right through and got to the gate.  Across on the other side were the Indian tourist and we were screaming at each other, it was lots of fun ( I think I took out my middle finger again).  The army scolded us and told us to screw off; it was totally worth it though.  While I was yelling at a bunch of Indians,  Ali (Shafis cousin) was taking a video and managed to get an interview with some German tourists.  He asked them “so how did you like it” and one of them said “you guys are funny” and kept laughing.  Ali then asked does this happen in
Germany and he goes “No way, we are all united!!!!” What an ass,  I wanted to draw a Hitler mustache on his face but I was busy taking pictures with soldiers.  Below are the pics of Wagha.

That night Shafi and Ali took me around Lahore and I saw some really nice hotels and restaurants.  They then took me to the infamous Food Street and I had some great food there. After that, we found out it was Ali’s Bday and his cousins and his friends all met up at this park for a solid chill session.  A couple of his friends brought guitars and they played both Urdu and English tunes.  I wish I had my camera at that time because it was unbelievable.

The next day was as good as the first.  We planned to get out at 8 am and see all the historical sites.  Thanks to Ahmed we managed to leave at 12pm hahaha.  I saw everything.  We first went to Lahore Fort where they had such sophisticated building that it puts modern day
Pakistan to shame.  Its sad to know that the Moghuls in the1600s were more refined than modern day Pakistanis.  Anyways, the Fort was unbelievable and we learned that the Moghul emperors were a bunch of sex hungry hopeless romantics (each of them had 5000 mistresses).  The only true leader in my opinion was Aurangzeb.  After the Fort we went to Badshah mosque and I was awe struck by its simplicity and beauty.  The acoustics within the mosque were designed so if I were to stand on one side of the mosque I would be able to hear someone talking to me from the other side of the mosque through the walls. Very cool.  After that we went through the narrow streets of old
Lahore and visited another mosque named Wazir ul Khan.  Below are the pics of the old sites.

That night we went to the most famous restaurant in all of
Pakistan: Coocos Den.  Coocos Den used to be a brothel that was converted into a restaurant by the son of a prostitute that worked there.  He is now a famous professor and artist.   His paintings show the human and emotional side of women working in brothels and he has brought awareness to the public of the atrocities that happen to prostitutes in Lahore.  While we were eating at Coocos, Amy, a girl we know from Edmonton, popped out of nowhere.  What are the chances of that????  It was fate again. 

My last day there we got a tour of LUMS: a very famous university in
Pakistan.  I first want to thank Oraina for showing us around.  She went out of her way to give us a great tour of the campus and if you ever come to Edmonton we will be glad to show you the great campus of U of A hahaha.  Anyways, I am glad we all went to check out the campus because we all fell in love with one of the girls there. It might have made my trip.  This girl was the definition of smooth.  She came up to us out of nowhere and goes “anyone have a lighter (sexy voice).”  I say sorry we don’t, but one of my friends pulls out a Zippo and gives it to her.  What she didn’t know was that the Zippo hardly worked  (it takes 100 attempts for it to work).  I am not lying to you, but the girl took that lighter from his hand flicked it open like a pro and lit the lighter in her first attempt.   We were speechless.  Ali said “marry me,” but she just smiled and just walked away.  Now I know what love at first site means.  After the LUMS tour we were famished so we went to KFC. Since Ahmed is the number one customer in Pakistan he actually got us a discount at KFC,  I have never seen that happen at a fast food joint.   RESPEKT Ahmed.   So that was the Lahore trip, it was unbelievable.  And again,  thank you Omar Shafi.

Chow

I got pooed on.  I got pooed on by a bird in a tree.  I wish I knew about this when it happened because I had this gooey like substance on my hand and I rubbed it all over my hand (cause it looked like cream). 

After looking at the poo mess on my shoulders I realized it was not cream at all.  I’m in Pakistan and these types of things happen here.  Apparently its good luck to be pooed on so I shouldn’t complain.  

On my first day here my family celebrated because I came back as a Hajji (someone who just performed the pilgrimage).  For some reason they celebrated by putting flowers around my neck and spreading purple glitter all over my head.  It was funny at first but the glitter refuses to come off and I have bits and pieces of purple all over my head.

I went to a concert my second day here and it was lots of fun.  The main bands name was 7 on the 3rd.  The crowd was really fun and it was a gig organized by a bunch of university students. For some reason the female vocalist looked really constipated.  I have pics of the concert below. 

But the reason I am really excited to write this blog is because I met the most interesting guy the other day (wow that sounds very homosexual).   My cousin and I decided to sit and talk to the night guard that works in the showroom below my aunt’s house.  This guy was telling us the craziest stories about his life on the Afghan border.  The people that live in the Pakistan-Afghan border are Pathans.  They all look like Caucasians and are known to be one of the toughest people in the world (they beat the Russians).   Anyways he was telling us about when he was young the men of the house would go out and shoot down Russian planes.  I had recently read about the war and asked him if they used Stingers supplied by the Americans.  You should have seen his face when I mentioned the world Stinger, he had the biggest smile on his face.  He kept repeating “Stingers zaberdast (Stingers are great).”  For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Stingers are man portable, shoulder fired, guided missiles used to combat low altitude aircrafts.  They were one of the turning points of the war and he said they still have enough to shoot down American planes hahahah. However, his best story was how his uncle’s unit captured a Russian convoy carrying cigarettes and replaced the tobacco with hashish to drug the Russian Army.   Apparently it worked and they raided the camp fighting “charsee Rusees (drugged Russians).”  I wanted to take a picture with him but I couldn’t find him today.   If I see him, I’ll make sure to get one.       

I have met a bunch of my old friends that moved to Pakistan from Saudi Arabia.  My next blog will be about them and more.  

Cheers.

I got back a couple days ago and I must say,  it was pretty easy.   Everything alhamudaullah went really smooth and the location of our tent was right in the middle of Mina.  At first my bro and I thought we got the short end of the stick in terms of tents.  But after seeing Riff’s and Momin’s we were pretty satisfied hahahaha.  We had our own personal bathrooms and kitchen while they had to use public facilities the whole time.  After a couple days the smell is UNBEARABLE at those public toilets so I must give those two props for battling it out. 

What can I say about Hajj?  It is indeed an eye opener.  People from all over the world were there in Mina (town right outside Makkah): Russians, Americans, Canadians, Kazaks, Bosians, Brazilians seriously everyone.  I don’t think there is a single place in the world that is occupied for only 3 days of the year and has a population of 3-4 million in that short period.  It is truly unbelievable.  To organize that many people in such a short time is amazing and I must give the Saudi government respect for their work. There are still a lot of improvements they can make, but this year they did a good job compared to the previous ones. 

Below are the top ten things I liked and disliked about my experience. 

Likes

1)   Seeing Riff and Momin was lots of fun.  Especially when I found out the uncles in their tent were calling Momin a “Dandy” and a “Cute Butterfly.”  You can tell it was bothering Momin which made it even better.

2)  I ran into a friend of mine I haven’t seen in 8 years.  He somehow managed to spot me out of a huge crowd.  For those of you who have gone for Hajj you will understand that the chances of this are close to nothing.  It was indeed fate. 

3)  I prayed like no tomorrow.  I had enough time to ask for everything I always wanted and pray for everyone I know.  I even prayed for some facial hair. 

4)  I saw Pakistanis joking around with Indians,  Iranians eating out of the same plates as Iraqis,  and Saudis not being so arrogant.  Hajj brings out the best of people.  

5)  There were loads of people my age in our tent, mostly Canadians. 

6) There was a House of Donuts shop right in Mina.  I single handedly cleaned that store out.  MMmmmmmmmm donuts. 

7)  I saw a guy pooing on the streets right in front of me.  I have included this in my Likes section because for some reason I could not keep my eyes off of him.

8) We saw a group holding the Canadian flag.  Out of excitement we shouted out Tim Hortons WHATTTT.  You would think we would get some love back, but they were more scared than amused. 

9) We saw a sign out of a restaurant that said “ Eat Al-Baik so you have strength to stone the devil” 

10) My dad looks like Mahatma Ghandi in his Ihram (Pilgrimage Clothes)

Dislikes

1)  The place got pretty dirty fast.  There was trash all over the place; they need to educate people on littering and personal hygiene.

2) Had one long bus ride.  Took us 6 hrs to travel 9 kilometers.

3)  There were way too many kids in our tent and for some reason they all loved slapping me across my bald head.  God finally got my revenge when one of the little girls tripped and cut herself.  I had a really evil smirk on my face when it happened. 

4) Ok this will gross some of you out so if you want to skip number 4 I won’t mind at all.  So a couple of us were talking and we so happened to be outside the bathroom stalls.  Anyways this huge Saudi guy comes out of the bathroom with a huge smile on his face holding a tub full of Vaseline in his hand (wallah no joke).  Sadly that is not the disturbing part.  After he walked away one of the guys I was with starts gagging out of no where and we turned around and see a tissue FRESHLY wiped strategically placed on the side of the toilet.  The guy didn’t even have the decency to put it in the toilet.  I was shocked for the rest of the day.

5) My mattress in our tent was right beside the entrance so people would walk all over me while I was sleeping. 

6) I had to go to the bathroom everyday, and after experiencing the horror of #4 above it was really scary.

7) Some guy tried stealing my camera while I was shouting my order at the House of Donuts guy.  I felt someone’s hand on my pocket and quickly walked away and gave the camera to my bro. 

8)  There were so many people who came illegally for Hajj. They were all over the streets and would slow down vehicle and pedestrian traffic.

9) There were only 4 showers for 100 people in our tent.  I took a total of one shower in 6 days. I smelled like roses.   

10) I can’t think of a tenth one.

 Below are some pictures of my Hajj:

After getting back I went to a restaurant and got food poisoning from the lamb chops.  I have never thrown up that much in my life.  It felt good.  

In other news the passport office lost my brothers passport so he is stuck here for a couple days.   

Im home and so much has already happened.    Today my brother got attacked by some pyscho at a Shawerma (donair) place.    The guy was speaking in Arabic and Faraz said “mafi arabi” (no arabic).  In his broken english he told him to step outside because he had a message for him.  Faraz refused so the guy starts lecturing him about his long hair HARAM HARAM (Wrong Wrong).   Faraz is like,  “its ok man”  and he pats him on the back,  the guy goes BALLISTIC as Faraz touches him.  He starts pushing him and swears in Arabic “YOU FILTHY ANIMAL,  YOU CANT EAT WITH US,  GO OUTSIDE.”   Everyone in the restaurant tells him to calm down.  He pleads his case calling Faraz a filthy animal and starts pulling Faraz’s hair.  A guy comes to pull the pyscho off but he pushes him down and starts yelling again.   What a pyscho.  Anyways, Faraz got away unhurt. 

My luggage for some reason didnt make it  so Ive been wearing my brothers clothes for the past couple days.  Today morning I finally got it and my baggage lock was broken.  Nothing I can think of was stolen so i dunno if someone was trying to be funny or if it broke while being moved around.  Very sketchy indeed. 

Ive been here for three days and all 9 meals have either been at some dinner party or at a restaurant.  I guess its dawat season.  

 The compound I live in is quite interesting.   As shown above there is graffiti on the outer walls,  all 26 villas are more or less occupied by Pakistanis and there are pigeons and pigeon shit EVERYWHERE.  Home is home.

Next Post:  Pre-Hajj Issue